Review system

Tired of numbers, stats and out-of-tens in your reviews? Tough tits- we’re not. Game ratings are here to stay. People can’t be arsed reading large amounts of text and/or are illiterate and so often just want a quick summary without the creative flair. We provide.

Next issue- reviews are opinions. If you disagree with an author’s view, you get more of those leathery titties. Go cry your emo heart out in the comments section- that’s what it’s there for.

At the end of each review you will see the following image:

Each subsection on the left is out of ten with whole numbers. They are there to give the reader more impressions on the game without having to read the main text, but they do not add up to equal the final score on the right- that is an independent figure, which the reviewer feels suits the game best. That figure is again on the 1-10 scale, but also goes to 1 decimal place.

Underneath the final score is a sammich filling, varying widely in quality of am nom nom nomness. Each whole number has a different filling:

10- Reggae Reggae Sauce (The holy grail of sammiches. The crème de la crème.)

9-9.9 Awesomesauce (Jesus’ jizz- this stuff is tasty!)

8-8.9 Peanut Butter (Drooltastic)

7-7.9 Roast Beef n’ Gravy (Juicy and succulent)

6-6.9 Tuna Mayo (An old standby- dull but could be quite yummy)

5-5.9 Cheese (Bog standard, plain, mediocre. But edible!)

4-4.9 Marmite (You’ll either love it or hate it)

3-3.9 Corned Beef (Cheap and nasty, but filling enough to last until the next meal)

2-2.9 Spam (Awful, but could be a guilty pleasure)

1-1.9- Shit (Isn’t worth anyone buying)

0-0.9 - Sauerkraut (Worse than shit, this stuff ain’t worth stealing)

We believe in using the whole of the scale. If a game deserves a big fat zero, it’ll get it. Likewise for tens. But these will be infrequent- we do not give these out lightly. None of IGN’s GTA4 bullshit.

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